A vicious cycle of self doubt.

I sometimes wonder if I’ve learned from past mistakes or if I’m doomed to repeat them. Previous experiences have taught me that risk often outweighs the reward and has left me risk averse. I feel like I live in this constant fear that no matter how hard I try I’m inevitably going to fail and success will continue to elude me. I know in reality that failure isn’t predetermined and can be preventable. But for some reason no matter how much I succeed I can’t seem to shake this fear.

I know it’s holding me back from achieving greatness. Even when faced with the opportunity to succeed, my inner self immediately questions if I’m making the right choice, and fills my mind with “what if” scenarios.

Let me give you an example. I recently attended an info session for the Design program I’m interested at NAIT. I learned that my skills and existing credentials as they are currently are competitive enough to be accepted into the program full-time. I also learned that the costs associated with this program are completely within my reach of affording. Great news for any prospective student to hear right??
This new information, has shown me that I’ve made the right choice about where to go to school and build my career. But immediately my first concerns are “I’ve found the perfect program so it must be too good to be true”, “am I sure this is where I want to go in my career?”, “what if I burn out and fail?”. It’s like the inner pessimist in me can’t shut up when positive situations arise.

I know that these are all valid concerns that most new students feel, but my problem is I can’t seem to get over them enough to take the next step and begin preparations for enrolment. I just want to avoid discussing it, or even thinking about it because it’s stressing me out. It’s depressing really as I stand here at the threshold of opportunity and can’t muster up the courage to step over it. Like what’s wrong with me?

I don’t know maybe I’m biased because past experiences in my life have proven to me risk often outweighs the reward, either that or I’m just afraid to succeed. It just frustrates the hell out of me because I want nothing more than to succeed in life and to do so I’ve got to be able to take risks and embrace opportunity when it presents itself.

Its a vicious cycle, I swear. And I can only blame myself.

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